Haggis not included

Here is the link to my article on birds of a feather. Its basically my tasting notes on the scotch and irish whiskey I had there. As always I tried to make it interesting. There is nothing more boring to me than tasting notes from someone who is just trying to be waaaay too serious about their palate. Dude, we get it, it tastes strongly of dark fruit. But I digress....

http://baltimore.metromix.com/bars-and-clubs/photogallery/drinking-at-birds-of/1121903/content

Hope you dig it!

BTW, in your fucking face Brian!

Wow....just wow

I just got the craziest assignment so far in my young career in food writing. I just got the green light to find the best strip club food in Baltimore. My editors wanted a piece on strip clubs and this came to mind for me immediately. I have a friend who only has one rule in life and that is to never eat at a strip club. Its a pretty specific rule considering that it leaves his life open to mass murder and smoking umbilical cords, but who am I to judge. So I mentioned the idea to my editor and he thought it was a good idea. Now I think I will just need to update my shots (hep A, B, C) as well as get those pills they give you before going to eat in a foreign country and I'll be ready to go. I'll let you know when its out.

Tomorrow I have a piece on Birds of a Feather Scotch and Whiskey Bar in Fell Point going up. I'll link it tomorrow when its up.

The 3rd installment of SYWN series will be up in a couple of days.

Ta Ta for now (get it... tata...)
Johnny

Books

I'm constantly reading but there are certain authors that when one of their books drop, I lose interest in everything I'm reading until I check out their newest offer. Well I was not disappointed with the newest book from Michael Ruhlman. Its called ratios and it is a fucking miracle that no one has written this book earlier. This is the genius of this book, it is original as well as unbelievably helpful. Coming in at only 229 pages, it is jammed up with things that a lot of chefs (or professional cooks) already know. Most cooking can be broken down into basic ratios that are usually a constant as you increase the size of the recipe. For a home cook this book can be the key to another world, the door that opens to Oz, the first time you play a guitar chord and it makes sense. It is that profound for a home cook. In culinary school we are taught some of these ratios (Cookie Dough-1 part sugar: 2 parts fat: 3 parts flour, Pasta- 3 parts flour,: 2 parts egg, or Vinaigrette- 3 parts oil: 1 part vinegar), but this book takes it to a new level. Doughs, cake batters, sausage mixes, stocks, sauces, and custards are covered with each heading encompassing multiple basic recipe ratios as well as secondary recipes so you can learn to start and improvise on the basics. Its fucking brillant.

Ok, enough overview and ass kissing.

Well, maybe a little more ass kissing....

The book is without a doubt a must have for anyone who cooks. It's an educational mind fuck as well as an insight into the way food professionals think in terms of the basic fundamentals of their craft. On top of those superlatives, it's just a good read. Ruhlman, as always, makes food and cooking processes accessible for the home cook.

Get it and be astounded.

I'm back nerds!
Johnny

New Top Chef show and other random cough syrup induced ramblings

I'm heavily whacked out on cough syrup at the moment so please forgive my digressions (if there are any).

I am currently working on a third part to the "shit you will need" series. It will deal with appliances. It will be done by Monday (I hope). I have been hearing good things about the first two "SYWN" pieces, so I hope this one will not disappoint.

I have also been hearing from a number of people asking why I haven't posted any recipes as of yet. Well my friends, I just don't think you are ready yet. That's right grasshopper, you are not ready. I don't feel comfortable putting up any recipes yet without laying a decent foundation for you wonderful readers to build on. They will be coming soon though, within the next month I would say. It will be worth the wait.

On a totally unrelated note, Bravo has announced that they will start a spin off to their popular Top Chef series. It will be called Top Chef:Masters. With the regular cast of characters off for the summer (Padma, Tom, Gail), there are new judges, a new host, and the contestants are some of the greatest culinary minds in the country. It should be interesting to watch Wylie Dufresne go up against Huber Keller, John Besh, and Rick Bayless. They will fight it out in groups of four and then bracket it down until, like the highlander, there will only be one. I think its great that Gael Green will be one of the judges. It starts On June 10th and will be hosted by Kelly Choi of Eat out NY fame. It will also have guests such as Zooey Deschanel and Neil Patrick Harris (did I just fucking write that?). It should be entertaining at least to watch the chefs cook, the judges and guests could be a train wreck.

And before I go I would just like to say the following: monkey, spackle, lock jaw, rock salt, Joshua.

Gotta love cold medicine.
Later
John

On a side note, if you want a great book to read, check out Insatiable: Tales from a Life of Delicious Excess by Gael green. It is probably one of the most openly hedonistic books I have ever read. If you want to know what it was like to dine at some of the best places in the world (Le Bernardin, La Maison Troisgros, Le Cirque) as well as what its like to sleep with some really famous dudes (Elvis, Burt Reynolds, Clint Eastwood, Jean Troisgros). It is a study in excess and unrestraint unlike any food based, non-fiction book I've read. It would give the Motley Crue bio book a run for its money.

Mekong Delta

I just had an article go up on Baltimore Metromix's website. Check it out and let me know what you think. Remember to click on all of the pictures.

http://baltimore.metromix.com/restaurants/restaurant_review/get-served-mekong-delta/1080583/content

Rock!
Johnny

I'm not lazy.......really!!!

Just because I'm not writing to help you wonderful people (all 9 of you) to learn how to cook everyday, doesn't mean that I'm not working on food related projects. Why, within the last few weeks I have had a couple of articles come out on the Metromix Baltimore site. I've been writing for them for just over a year and I am going to start linking the articles I write to this blog. The first link deals with an Absinthe tasting I went to and the second link is a guide as to where to find daily food specials in the Mount Vernon section of Baltimore from Monday through Friday. If either of those sound like anything you would want to read, then click on the links. Check it out (or I will kill you, I mean please):

Absinthe
http://baltimore.metromix.com/bars-and-clubs/photogallery/absinthe-tasting-at-mortons/1026121/content

Mount Vernon
http://baltimore.metromix.com/restaurants/photogallery/weekly-dinner-specials-mount/1057272/content

I also have a "first look" piece on Mekong Delta Vietnamese restaurant coming up on Metromix in a few days. I will post a link when they post it.

Hope you are all well.
rock out with your crock pot out.
Johnny

Shit you will need part two: Utensilitis

So now that you have a few pans it is time to get cooking. The egg is in the pan, its time to flip that little sucker but you don't have the correct tool to do it. Watch out, you will burn your dumb ass if you try to use your hands. Now it looks like you need to buy a tool to flip foods properly in your hot pans; but what to buy? Fortunately for you there are thousands of utensils you can buy and use in your kitchen. Unfortunately for you, most of these utensils suck like a hooker with the rent due. There are only a few indispensable pieces in every kitchen, so fear not, you will not have to buy a bunch of drawer cluttering crap.

Spatulas are not the only tools you will need in the kitchen. This list is a little long, but unlike the pan list in the previous post, most of the items on this list cost under twenty dollars.

Remember that there are links provided for every item. The links will take you Amazon.com so you can see a picture of the item and how much it will cost.

So Lets get started....

1.Spatula- All right smarty pants, now that you have bought your spiffy spatula, what do you do now that you have your spatula? You're gonna flip shit of course! Grilled cheese sandwiches, pancakes, hamburgers, quesadillas, and obviously, your perfectly cooked sunny side up egg will all get the toss treatment with this indispensable tool. This item will get a lot of use.

Spatula #2- Yes, there are two different types of spatulas. One flips, the other scrapes and wipes. This is your omelet spatula. This is what you use to get all of that lovely hollandaise out of your bowl after making it. This is what you use when you need to get all of the coleslaw our of your cuisinart.Its also a huge help in sauteing vegetables and stirring together ingredients.You will more than likely use this more than any other utensil in your arsenal so make sure it is a good one.


2. Whisk- Whisks are great for getting your aggression out. If you are making scrambled eggs or a vinaigrette, a good whisk will beat the shit out of them all. I am amazed at how often I use my whisk. Just don't be fooled by those junky whisks that have balls in the balloon part or the type that look like a bunch of metal rods tied together. Just go for the traditional whisk and you will be whipping ass in no time.


3. Grater - I hate graters. they are a pain in the ass to clean, take up a ton of space, and you really only use on of their four sides (Do you know who has ever used the semi-circular bladed side?). So it is with trepidation that I endorse this product. Not everyone has a cuisinart with the grater disk attachments, so ol' boxy is getting the nod. Good for making hash browns, cole slaw, and of course, grating cheese for your pizza (please tell me you do that).

Of course there are the now ubiquitous micro planes. These things kick so much ass its incredible. Used for shaving things gossamer-fine, these rasps are great for nutmeg, lemon zest, and they were practically made for Parmesan cheese. Its one of the most beautiful things in life to have a hot steaming bowl of pasta, and then shave Parmesan cheese over top of it like god trying to put out the fires of hell with snow. Also, next time you try making a grilled cheese, shave a little hardened salami over the cheese before grilling....... yeah you know you can't wait to try it.


4.Peeler- peelers are the unsung heroes of the kitchen. They get used and abuse constantly and never are given credit for their work. They are the item that nobody ever wants to touch and probably hear more curse words that any other utensil ("goddamn, stupid fucking carrots"). Luckily there is a newer more ergonomic version with a wider blade to make it less of a chore for your ungrateful asses. I'm not saying that its going to make it fun for you but next time you need to peel a carrot, try peeling with a knife and then you will have a little r-e-s-p-e-c-t for this diminutive tool.


5. Strainer - Colanders are not just for straining. They are good for steaming food, cheese making, and in a pinch you can use it as an ersatz robot helmet. If you get one of the finer, wire mesh strainers, you can use it as a flour sifter. Strainers are a must have in a basically stocked kitchen. Try straining your pasta through your hands next time and you will understand.


6. Tongs- Tongs have been gaining popularity in the modern kitchen for the last couple of years. Usually relegated to the backyard for the grill, the tong is finally being recognized as a big player in the kitchen drawer. Pan frying, deep frying, boiling, steaming, and braising, it will handle all foods in all cooking climates. Have you ever tried to flip a piece of chicken being browned in a cast iron pot with a spatula? After you recover from your 3rd degree burns the first thing you will do is buy tongs. Tongs are dead useful for keeping you away from the burn unit, go buy some now.


7. Can opener- Do I even need to explain this one? Unless you want to rock that 1930's era, bugs bunny opening a suit of armor, busted ass "ye olde" can opener, you should own a good can opener. This can opener in particular. It cuts the sides of the can top and that is great for two reasons. One, you will never cut yourself on these opened can lids and two, you won't have to worry about having a filthy, nasty, germ infested can opener. The first time you use it makes you feel like you're in the future, how cool is that?

8. Spoons- This is another utensil that doesn't need too much thought. Its cheap, its big, and its a spoon for chrissakes. If you don't know what to use a spoon for, just stop fucking reading and start punching yourself in the throat until you pass out.


9.Bottle Opener- More and more beers are being sealed with caps instead of screw off tops lately, so its now time to break out the bottle opener. This bottle opener is a no frills professional model. It does what it does very well and will last you forever. It also doubles as a billy club.

But if using your strength to leverage the tops off of bottles is too much for you, you can always use your house as your load. This opener goes on the wall and will beautify any home bar or kitchen. It also opens bottles.

And if that still isn't good enough for you to have to walk across the room there is always this. Its good for couch potatoes and totally unbelievable drunks.


10. Digital Thermometer- A good digital timer will make you a deity in the kitchen. Never again will you have to eat dried out meat ever again. Just stick the probe into the roast or bird, set the alarm to the desired temperature and then go and make yourself a salad while you wait for the thermometer to let you know when its done. Seriously, this will make you feel like a Jedi master version of Julia Child, like you are one with the meat. It also has a timer built into it so you can set time limits for food just in case you are outside enjoying a frosty beverage and need to know when its ready to go.


11. Measuring Spoons- Measuring spoons are the training wheels of the home cooks kitchen. There is a lot you can learn from them. The more you use them, the more equated you will become with cooking itself. How you salt and pepper your food, how you season your food with herbs and spice is the most essential (and most easily ignored) part of proper cooking. After a while of following good recipes you will pick up how to properly season your food. Hopefully you will get to a point where you can take the training wheels off, when you will be able to pinch out a teaspoon of salt or eye up in your palm a tablespoon of dried herbs. When you get to that point, you will officially be a bad ass cook, then you will only need the measuring spoons for when you bake. Unlike cooking, you will always need the spoons for baking, so hold on to them even though you will think you are too good to be using those childish spoons.


12. Ladle- Soup has to get into a bowl somehow.



So now you have a good starting point for getting your kitchen well stocked and ready for you to spend some quality time with them making meals for your loved ones.

Now peel me some potatoes!!!!!

Shit you will need. Part one: Metal Gear

So after a couple bottles of wine and many glasses of absinthe, I got excited by thinking about what the home cook will need before they start to have a really well prepared kitchen. A few of these items might not be possible right now for some, but there is always a way to get around (i.e Macgyver) your way to culinary greatness.


Now I will try and start with the basics on this entry, but understand there are all types of specialized food related products that you might want to buy (food choppers, special pans, and specific food cookers) but just do me a favor and stick to this basic list until you feel comfortable with buying stupid shit that you will never really use but feel will make you a better cook.


There are only a couple of draconian items that you will need to be a badass, super shitbird, fuck all cook. They are not hard to acquire, but maybe are hard to wait to buy (you can't buy all of them at once). So we will start with the obvious items you need to get started; the pans.


So if you want to cook properly you need good pans. The one problem everyone makes (myself included) is that you get mesmerized by the siren song of those beautiful, ebony coated, slick as Donald trump cooking utensils... the non stick pan. Most of these pans are totally fucking awful. The pans do not cook food properly and generally start to flake all of their space age polymer off of the pans after being scratched by the dullest of vegetables. Do yourself a favor and only buy one GREAT non stick pan. There are non stick pans that deserve to cook eggs or crepes in your humble abode. The good thing is you are only going to buy one pan. The bad thing is that this one pan will be relatively expensive, which is ok because like most quality pans, you get what you pay for. Do not buy anything with ridges, crevices, lines, or criss-crosses. These pans will righteously fuck up most of the food you will want to cook in non stick pans; so there you go. Get a regular, smooth, but small non stick pan. There is nothing big you will need to cook in a non stick pan (unless you like ostrich eggs). So you're good with the non stick? Good. Lets go on to real pans.


You can buy a 20 piece set of cookware from you local mega mart or mall, but what you will want to do is find your cookware piece by piece. You don't need a complete set of cookware. It is nice if you have a matching set but it really doesn't matter does it? If I were to buy a matching set there is no question in my mind that I would go for a Le Creuset set of pots and pans. They are pricey, but you get what you pay for. LeCreuset makes pots and pans that arre made form cast iron covered in enamel (the cast iron holds the heat and the enamel is just as good as most non stick pans). I have luckily been able to find many of my Le Creuset pots and pans on sale or have had them given to me by people who don't cook. The important thing really is to have a quality pot or pan to cook in. The best rule of thumb is to buy a pot or pan that you know you will one day be passing on to your children or your neighbor's kid that always shoveled your pavement during snowstorms. I will be linking all of these pans to its corresponding picture so you can get an idea of what they look like so there are no mix ups. This is a mixed match set of cooking tools. This list is my basic setup that I use everyday. The main point is that you do not need to have a matching set of cookware. You will not make a great steak if your "soup pot" is watching you.


The basic list is as follows:


1. 8 inch non stick pan- Good for eggs, crepes, and anything else that is likely to stick to you normal pan. It is also great for caramelizing cheese, cooking low fat, and making ecsquisitely delicate desserts.


2. a 10 inch saute pan-You can pretty much cook anything you want in this pan. This will be your workhorse. From steaks to asparagus, you will be able to use this pan for everything. I use a restaurant style aluminum pan and it is cheap (I got mine for under $20) but durable and great to cook with. A lot of people complain about hot spots with these pans, but if you use them for actual "saute" pans, there will be no problem.


3. A 2 3/4 sauce pan- Even if you don't actually make sauces in it, this pan is invaluable for small, concentrated food cookery. Peas, corn, veg-med, and obviously sauces are perfect for this under appreciated staple of the smart cooks kitchen. This will be the pan that you use to reheat a majority of your leftovers. This pan is also great for heating up stocks, milk and othr liquids to add to complex dishes.


4. 5 1/2 quart pot- This is great for rices, beans, small amounts of soups, and little casseroles. This is a pot that you don't think you will use very much but find yourself constantly reaching for it for all types of gastronomic applications. You could probably cook a dead man's spleen in it and it woud turn out well.


5. 12 quart stock pot- Like pasta? This is your pot. Soups, stews, and of course, stocks. Some of the items on this list you can wait to buy, but this ain't one of them. You need to get this pot ASAP! Trust me, trying to make fettuccine in a saute pan sucks.


6. 12 inch cast iron skillet- This is one of those pans you can wait off on, but once you get it will become an indispensable part of your culinary arsenal. Let this little baby sit on a flame for a few minutes and then throw in a steak on it; you will never need to go to a steakhouse again. It creates a perfect crust on steaks every time. Don't forget about the wonderful cornbread that is yearning to be made in your pre-seasoned cast iron skillet. This is also the item that's most likely to be taken on a camping trip and thrown into the campfire to make sure you don't have to only eat trail mix.

Now that you have a sizable cookware collection you will need knives to cut up the foods you will be cooking in said pots and pans. Knives will be in our next installment. So until then, get out there and burn yourselves on some new pots and pans.

Rock!

Night of the Living Duck

Duck is an animal that lots of people do not like to eat. I don't know why. The reoccurring phrase I always hear is (in a whiny voice) "it’s too greasy". Well that might be true if you get your duck only at bad Chinese food joints, the word Ding How comes to mind. The problem is no one cooks duck at their own house. Duck is not as readily available as chicken and not as conveniently packaged. You'd be pretty fucking hard pressed to find a 12 pack of duck legs or a 6 pack of duck breasts in the poultry section of Safeway, although it would be pretty goddamn awesome. Instead you get a whole, frozen duckling stored in the bottom left of the freezer section with all of the "weird" shit nobody eats (i.e. liver, tripe, chitlins). This is a compounded problem. One, people begin to associate duck meat with offal meats and B, the duck comes as a whole and generally most Americans do not know how to break down poultry. This is a shame because duck is versatile and can be used in myriad ways. Over the next couple of weeks I will post a project I recently finished involving duck. I bought 3 ducks (thanks for the rip-off Springfield farms!) and used every piece of the duck I could. After breaking the ducks down I used the legs to make confit, the breasts I used for a duck terrine and duck prosciutto, the carcass was used for stock, the skin and fat trimmings went into rendering down for duck fat (that revolutionizer of potatoes), and finally the giblets (hearts, livers, and gizzards) were used for salads and spreads. With the proper instruction, it is possible to utilize all that you can from this humble yet noble animal. Stay tuned true believers to learn how to make sure you get the most quack for our buck. If you have any questions about what else to do with duck, or even how you like it, just let me know.

On a totally random note; did anyone see the commercial for the new Marco Pierre White TV show on NBC? People think Gordon Ramsey is a fucking nut job, well wait until they get ahold of uncle Marco. He is certifiably bat shit fucking Mad with a capital crazy. He is like a savant Poet and does had an artist's heart, but I think he might be much for Americans. When people are expecting Ramsey's childish tantrums and they get White's Hannibal Lecter rants it will be interesting. I can't wait, I love MPW.

Rock! Johnny

Homer Simpson's Wet Dream

Combing through the thousands of food related stories today, I stumbled upon this NY Times story about jelly doughnut pudding. Totally grossed out and intrigued I went to the story and after reading it realized that it really had little to do with jelly doughnut pudding and more to do with reusing leftovers. After my initial "I just wasted 5 fucking minutes of my life" tirade, I got to thinking about frugality in this economic climate and realized two things: one is that Eli Zabar is a prick genius for charging people insane amounts of money for leftovers and two is that people should recycle their leftovers more at home. I try to do it as much as possible because most of the time it takes me some descent time and money to make a meal and other times I just don't feel like screwing around in the kitchen (I'm not a machine people). Last night for instance I made a few quick french bread pizzas by reusing some leftovers from previous dinners this week. Starting with a three day old baguette, I looked for my options and went to town. One had a tomato sauce base, the other had a pesto base. I also used different toppings to try and maximize the stuff I was emptying out of my fridge. Salamis, cheese, herbs, salad garnishes, nothing was safe. It was an easy and simple way to make dinner that tasted great. So how do you like to recycle your leftovers? Let me know.